After my divorce, I wasn’t precisely in search of love. I used to be in search of connection. One thing enjoyable. Somebody who didn’t ask for a lot however provided a protected area to determine who I used to be post-marriage. What I bought was a whirlwind romance with a lady who swept me off my ft — solely to drop me flat on my face.
It began quick. Too quick, in hindsight. She stated she appreciated to go massive when she cared about somebody. I mistook that for kindness. She showered me with costly items I by no means requested for: a designer bag and necklace, virtually a whole new wardrobe with garments that match her style, and he or she even provided to pay my month-to-month invoice on a brand new three-row automotive so all 4 of our children may match. She booked a luxurious weeklong journey to the 4 Seasons in Cabo simply two months after our first date. I saved considering, Is that this what queer love seems like? Is that this the way it’s alleged to really feel?
As a lesbian newly navigating relationship once more, I needed to imagine this was simply passionate sapphic power. Ladies falling for ladies — isn’t that what the memes say? That we transfer quick, really feel deeply, and merge lives inside a month? Or three dates, because the U-Haul joke goes. I used to be cautious, however I additionally needed that connection. After years of being emotionally sidelined in my marriage, being needed so intensely felt… intoxicating.
However then got here the confusion.
She’d inform me that I used to be probably the most lovely lady she’s ever seen, however observe it up with telling me I ought to get a much less boring haircut, strive fillers in my giggle strains, achieve some weight, and put on extra fashionable garments. She’d plan a romantic getaway after which inform me she’s 100% in once we’re collectively however 75% out once we’re not. After I requested for readability, she couldn’t clarify it. All of that got here with not-so-subtle reminders of her generosity. Was I asking for an excessive amount of? Was I misinterpreting her grand gestures?
That’s the factor about love bombing: It disguises manipulation as romance. It is affection weaponized. It’s curated vulnerability designed to fast-track intimacy, solely to yank it away while you begin believing in it. She wasn’t falling in love with me. She was performing affection, and I used to be the viewers — determined for one thing actual.
When she lastly instructed me it wasn’t going to work — as a result of, as she put it, I’m too primary, don’t have sufficient recreation or swag, reside within the fallacious metropolis, and since she doesn’t discover security in stability (sure, one week after the beachside breakfast in mattress and just a few days after assembly my children) — I used to be crushed. Not simply by shedding her, however by realizing I had fallen for somebody who by no means meant to catch me.
On the time, she hadn’t talked about that whereas relationship me, she was additionally making an attempt to persuade a lady in Australia (somebody she had dated earlier than me and nonetheless had emotions for) to give up her job and transfer in along with her in Los Angeles, payments coated. I felt silly. Ashamed. Like I ought to’ve recognized higher, particularly with all of the purple flags waving in my face the entire time.
That’s the factor about love bombing: It disguises manipulation as romance. It is affection weaponized. It’s curated vulnerability designed to fast-track intimacy, solely to yank it away while you begin believing in it.
I did get some strong solo pics from the Cabo journey for my relationship profile, so at the least there’s that.
I’m making an attempt to be kinder to that model of myself — the one who was freshly wounded, open-hearted, and hopeful. That lady didn’t fall for the items. She fell for the concept that she may very well be liked in return. And there is nothing silly about wanting that.
Love bombing taught me one thing necessary: Actual love doesn’t want a stage. It does not should show itself with value tags or extravagant declarations. It’s constant. It’s mutual. It doesn’t gaslight you into confusion; it grounds you in reality.
I’m nonetheless therapeutic. Nonetheless studying to belief my intestine. But when somebody ever tries to win me over once more with a buying spree or a shock journey earlier than they’ve even bothered to know me, I’ll pause. I’ll do not forget that love is not one thing you carry out; it’s one thing you develop, slowly, collectively.
And subsequent time, I received’t mistake fireworks for basis.
Jill Layton began writing professionally over a decade in the past when she realized her emails and texts had been type of humorous. She’s a author for Scary Mommy, Bustle, Greatest Merchandise, and different enjoyable websites. She additionally writes radio adverts and is a ghostwriter for a comic — don’t inform anybody. She’s the mother of two sarcastic children and the world’s most good canine.
Trending Merchandise
