It’s change into a little bit of an inevitability: I’ll be scrolling social media at night time, as one does, after I come across a drama-filled reel about somebody going through a divorce. Then the algorithm does its factor and, earlier than I do know it, I’m being served numerous #DivorceTok videos. It doesn’t matter that I’m fortunately married — I can’t appear to scroll previous considered one of these reels with out staying tuned in till the top. Lots of my mates report being served (and watching) the identical issues. Which begs the query: Why are fortunately married individuals obsessive about watching breakup content?
Is it just like the way in which women love true crime, even when it’s not a part of our lived expertise? What kind of psychological element compels us to look at sufficient of those reels for them to pepper our FYPs? To resolve this thriller, I reached out to a bevy of consultants. Right here’s what they needed to say concerning the attract of DivorceTok, and when watching these movies could also be an indication of one thing larger in your individual relationship.
The Hook of DivorceTok
In response to trauma-informed therapist Dr. Greg Gomez, divorce or breakup content material on-line scratches an itch in the identical method different dramatic content material does. “The DivorceTok development is so addictive as a result of it’s emotionally charged content material. It is like actuality TV. It’s the identical sort of factor that drives individuals to look at reveals like Love Island. We wish to see what’s going to occur. Will the couple reconcile?” he says.
In different phrases, it’s sort of like actuality TV in bite-sized kind. It’s bought that cliffhanger high quality many people merely can’t resist. And, after all, our algorithms amplify that fascination: When you watch one, you’re pulled into an countless scroll.
However then there’s additionally a sure parasocial intimacy side at play, the place you’re feeling like somebody on the market trusts you with their innermost emotions.
Explains licensed scientific social employee Josh Sprung, clinical director at Southeast Addiction, “TikTok and Instagram reels usually really feel intimate, like somebody is confiding in you. This fosters parasocial relationships, one-sided emotional bonds that make you invested in strangers’ lives. Seeing somebody cry, vent, or share uncooked particulars triggers empathy circuits, pulling you deeper into their narrative.”
At a time on the planet the place connection can so usually really feel out of attain, the pull of those parasocial relationships may be fairly highly effective.
The Psychology Behind It
There’s really a number of psychology at play right here. For starters, breakup content material — even when the particular person watching isn’t going by means of a breakup — is comparatively common.
“Divorce and breakup content material on TikTok or different social media platforms is compelling as a result of it faucets into common fears and curiosities about love, loss, and resilience,” says Kimberly Miller, household regulation legal professional, licensed marriage and household therapist, and founding father of divorce-planning platform PartWise. “Viewers get a uncooked and probably relatable have a look at how others deal with considered one of life’s hardest transitions.”
Plus, Miller factors out, just about everybody is aware of somebody who has gone by means of or goes by means of this sort of transition.
“Divorce and breakup content material on TikTok or different social media platforms is compelling as a result of it faucets into common fears and curiosities about love, loss, and resilience.”
That relatability amps up our fascination with divorce and breakup content material, particularly when you think about how our brains method concern and readiness. “On one degree, it affords the identical pull as true crime or actuality TV: a protected solution to expertise battle, depth, and excessive emotion with out real-life penalties,” says licensed relationship and intimacy skilled Dr. Viviana Coles.
“We’re wired to concentrate to tales of risk or loss,” she elaborates, “so when TikTok serves us messy divorces or emotional breakups, our brains gentle up with curiosity and even aid that it isn’t occurring to us.”
Sprung agrees, noting that it’s all a part of our pure curiosity and social studying. “Like visceral rehearsal, our brains file away different individuals’s tales as reference factors for our personal relationships,” he says, including that damaging occasions additionally are typically extra attention-grabbing than optimistic ones. “Content material about heartbreak, betrayal, or divorce faucets into primal fears of loss and rejection, stimulating the ‘threat-detection’ a part of the mind, making it tougher to look away.”
What It Displays Again On Us
Zooming out, what else does this habits say about us? Might a part of it’s that we identical to peering behind the scenes into different individuals’s lives?
Effectively, yeah, says Coles.
“There’s additionally a component of voyeurism and, sure, schadenfreude [enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others] — witnessing others’ struggles can validate that our personal relationship isn’t ‘that dangerous’ and even remind us of how grateful we’re for our accomplice,” Coles says.
Sprung describes it as an ideal storm of social media and comparability tradition, explaining, “Algorithms, voyeurism, and schadenfreude are all gasoline that flip relationship/divorce content material into binge-worthy materials, even for individuals who aren’t residing it. Algorithms provide a gradual stream of emotionally intense breakup tales, voyeurism pulls us in (the joys of watching personal drama unfold), and schadenfreude rewards us psychologically (aid, superiority, even a way of gratitude).”
Useful vs. Hurtful
Whenever you have a look at the entire image — the psychology, the tradition, the curiosity — you might discover that there are each execs and cons to consuming this type of content material.
On one facet, it might be useful “relationship rehearsal” materials. By social studying, we are able to soak up others’ errors or methods and file them away for future reference. “The views and insights we achieve by witnessing different individuals’s experiences may assist us determine patterns in our personal relationships and make higher selections,” suggests Angie Reyes, relationship skilled at Wiselaw. “Witnessing different individuals’s experiences may enhance our self-awareness, bringing our minds to the necessity to talk, empathize extra, and even validate our companions extra, which may result in a more healthy relationship.”
On the opposite facet, we’ve all seen how social media can very simply contribute to distorted expectations.
“I’ll warning people who watching this sort of content material can impact their very own psychological well being and their relationships,” says licensed marriage and household therapist Dr. Nari Jeter. “We should do not forget that one particular person’s expertise isn’t all the time the norm. And simply because your accomplice has some quirks or flaws, it doesn’t imply it’s best to depart them.”
It’s particularly vital to maintain this in thoughts once you come throughout fashionable or buzzy relationship phrases on DivorceTok, like narcissism.
“There’s a truthful quantity of in style psychology phrases being developed (and misused) at a fast tempo on social media,” underscores Jeter. “As with every media we eat, I believe a good quantity of essential pondering ought to be utilized. And in case you’re questioning your relationship based mostly on what you see on social media, that could be an indication to hunt the assistance of a therapist that can assist you navigate your issues.”
In any case, simply because your accomplice is egocentric on occasion doesn’t essentially imply they’re a narcissist or that your marriage is doomed. However once you hear that narrative continually on social media, you might begin seeing “narcissism” all over the place.
“The views and insights we achieve by witnessing different individuals’s experiences may assist us determine patterns in our personal relationships and make higher selections.”
Simply bear in mind: Not each viral story is common, and one particular person’s expertise isn’t the rule. However in case you see a habits in a reel that others have labeled problematic, and it’s one thing you didn’t notice might be creating an issue in your individual relationship, flag it with a professional who can assist you navigate the implications.
Scroll, However Scroll Good
Realizing all of this, will I maintain binge-watching DivorceTok movies? In all probability. I imply, judging by my equally avid true-crime consumption, perhaps the “risk detection” portion of my mind is simply particularly lively. Regardless, it’s fascinating to know why all of it strikes us as so compelling. Like true crime, it’s a protected solution to brush up in opposition to our deepest fears with out getting damage (and presumably even serving to us to keep away from an identical destiny).
The true energy, it will appear, is in how we select to course of what we watch. So, certain, I’ll carry on DivorceTok doomscrolling… with my partner chilling within the mattress proper beside me, grateful that we’re watching another person’s drama versus starring in it.
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